How do I get him to stop ... without hurting his feelings or making him angry?
So i've been going out with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and ever since I remember he's used drugs; the most common being weed. I've smoked with him too a few times but decided to stop because I started feeling paranoid.
Recently I've noticed he's said he wants to quit and says he's going to "wean" himself off it but it never works out. He doesn't have a job (doesn't seem too motivated to get one; it's always not enough pay or too boring or his most common excuse: "not a career"). He often has to ask me for money, meaning I'm broke all the time and he never wants to do anything like see a movie with me or go to the beach... He just meets up with his mates to smoke.
I don't know what to do because I know he's suffered with depression before and he can get really angry and irritated and takes it out on me... How do I get him to stop? How do explain all this to him without hurting his feelings or making him angry?
Hi there, it sounds like you are really worried about your boyfriend. He is starting to exhibit some of the common signs of cannabis dependence (spending a lot of time using cannabis, missing social or work activities to smoke, continuing to use even when it causes him problems such as financial issues and unemployment, and extreme irritability when unable to use). And the problems are getting him to the point where he is thinking he needs to make some changes, even though he is struggling to achieve them at the moment.
Congratulate him if makes statements about changing his use and ask him if he would like the number of the cannabis helpline, as well as how you can help him (e.g. "Hey that's great. It might will be hard but I think you can do it. How can I support you?"). Sounds like some extra support would be good for him. There are local alcohol and drug services that can help but a first step might be to get some printed information and to offer him the phone number for the helpline (details below).
When you mention his use it is better to talk about how you feel—use lots of "I" statements e.g. "When we have no money and we can't go out, I feel..."—and about a particular behaviour as a problem rather than him being the problem. You may not be able to explain this without hurting his feelings and he may get angry, but it sounds like he is getting angry anyway.
In the long term it is important that you learn to assert your needs for personal time, social activity and to refuse to loan or give him money for cannabis. If nothing seems to change then you might want to get some support for yourself and you will need to decide how long you can stay in this situation if his use remains the same. You say he "takes it out" on you. I assume you mean that he is verbally abusive, which is not okay, but is important you know it is never ever acceptable to stay with him if he is physically abusive. If that happens, get away to a safe place and call the police on 000. You can also call Lifeline (number below) or a women's helpline to talk in more detail about your relationship. Take care.
Need more info?
Links
Cannabis Information and Helpline ph 1800 30 40 50 (free and confidential)DrugInfo Clearinghouse - Cannabis information
DrugInfo Clearinghouse - When someone close to you has a drug problem
National Cannabis Prevention and Information Centre - Fact sheets